Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: