Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth