Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”