My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
🤔😂😂
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
very niche meme I made
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.