*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Message from the dog groomers
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
This is painfully accurate 😅
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.