I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You Might Also Like
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”