so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”