Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Hilarious if literal: arms race
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.