Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Breaking news:
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Meth is short for Elizameth.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Just got to our Airbnb!
jesus, what did this guy do
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.