What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop