me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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#ParentingFacts
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.