Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.