I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.