Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.