Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰