Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days