Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Comparing yourself to others
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”