Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.