Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.