Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Meme Monday.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My relationship with tea has always been strained.