THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
79.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.