but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You Might Also Like
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
bro what is going on at twitter
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.