Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
only 11 steps left
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
So the ex texted me
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.