Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.