If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I want to meet the individual who made this
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down