THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™