ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
You Might Also Like
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans