[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
You Might Also Like
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences