I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
only 11 steps left
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.