I like donuts.
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Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Cheers Twitter.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool