“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.