People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Not my job 😂
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.