I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.