*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.