It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You Might Also Like
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
<- sleeps well with others
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
🙁
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong