Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
this is uni
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
how to market bottled water to dads
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Thinking about Jeff
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.