[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug