Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
A family that plays together cheats.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
what day is it?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better