In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
honestly, i need both:
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.