[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.