Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Velcrow
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I have a black belt in leather