Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name