my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.