My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Happy thanksgiving!
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.