I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The Friday File.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.