I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
God has left this place
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system