Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
pelicons
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
some things should go without saying
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever