My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
getting groceries
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something