every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
S/o to @funTweeters .
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.