*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Milk Cube
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.